i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
