mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Green mimosas i think yes
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
