if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
