We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
