My balls are so social today.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
