You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
