Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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