Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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