I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
