Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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