you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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