i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
