Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
