Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
