I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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