alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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