He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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