Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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