so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my shit smells like andre
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
