happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
