I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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