saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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