Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My vagina is officially offended.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
