I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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