Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
