Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
