Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
