As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Randomize
