I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
