Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
