We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
a search helicopter?!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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