Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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