in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
