life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
why is half of my head shaved?
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