My underwear smells like fireworks.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
