Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
