i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
