By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
