Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
