Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
