Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
