Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
