SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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