my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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