This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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