Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I did not marry a roomba.
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