I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
did i just pee glitter
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
