thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
