Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
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I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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