I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
