I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
