You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
