He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
